I am blessed.

Life is so full of suprises; some good, some bad. But in Christ, all the good is great and all the bad is used for good to those who love Him. I'm encouraged. Amidst all the problems, God has been so good to me. I am so blessed to have so many godly friends in Christ who are here in prayer and in company.

Sunday was awesome spending time with people up on the mountain. It was so beautiful. Its hard for me to fathom how God created beautiful things like mountains, and yet still payed attention to the small details of me. I am sooo greatful for the people God has placed in my life who can give me godly counsel and wisdom in the harder areas in my life, such as looking for a full time job without having my GED yet. I am just encouraged. I made some seriously stupid mistakes but yet God is helping me along and getting me back to where I need to be. I used to seriously freak out about the years ahead because I just wish I could know whats coming. I learned that God didn't make things that way just for the purpose of helping me to trust in Him more completely. He definitely helped my attitude. I have opportunities, I just need to apply adequate effort in making my resume (with a little help from the blondie =D) and scheduling to take my GED classes in the fall at state high. By the end of this year I should have my diploma, and hopefully (crosses fingers, and prays) a FULL TIME job at Penn state.

I don't know if You'd call this poetry...

Jesus I wanna let go of this world
All of the cares, the problems, the fears
I wanna cast these worries upon you
I'm lost here, I wanna be the one that runs to You
I don't need to know why bad things are the way they are
It is only You that brings comfort to my soul

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired
At this world's system and the way that it acts
I don't wanna follow it's example of "love only when its returned"
I wanna love despite those who don't love me back
Its so hard- trying to do what you know is right all on your on
And I feel alone. Because for the longest time
I've been doing it all alone, without you

Jesus, sometimes i just wish You'd come get me
Please show me my purpose specifically for Your glory
I feel weighed down with the depressing details of the lives of those that I love
Even my own, when I'm sized up, I feel like I'm not enough
For all You are to me, what I have to give is so small in comparison
Is there one offering that I may give that would be worthy of acceptance?
I feel as though i have nothing to offer you.

You bled and suffered while I'm here barely living out Your word
You are my strength, my own is nearly gone
I am truly pathetic without your grace
When people tear me down, I remind my flesh that I am truly nothing
Without you, I know I have no worth
I'm far from perfect, but my soul seriously longs for the comfort of your presence
In my life

Break me, consume me, purify me, mold me
Change all the things that You hate
All that I am is willing to change to be
All You desire for me to be

There is so much turmoil in my life
Sometimes i find it almost impossible to bear
I want to cry and be broken before the Lord
Yet here I am feeling like I need to be strong
There has been this daily knot in my throut
Because I'm scared that I might say/do something
That might turn my family and those I love against me

I feel so torn and so weak

28Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired
His understanding is inscrutable.
29He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.
30Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
31Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.
-Isaiah 40:28-31

No formal God...

-"The more I seek You" by Gateway Worship

The more I seek You,
the more I find You.
The more I find You,
the more I love You.

I want to sit at Your feet
Drink from the cup in Your hands
Lean back against You and breathe
Feel Your heart beat
This love is so deep
Its more than I can stand
I melt in Your peace
Its overwhelming

What God's been reminding me of this past week or two is that He is no formal God! Yes, God is mighty, holy, far far far above me, perfect in everything.. But for a really long time satan was trying to get me in the mindset that God is strictly formal. I was listening to the song I posted above about a week ago and it hit me hard... There is nothing formal about my relationship with God. I don't have to plan a meeting with my savior to discuss "business matters." There had been times in past where i just seriously needed to spill to someone all of my frustrations and all of my struggles and all of my anxieties and etc. God reminded me that He wants me to spill my heart out to Him. He wants me to "Cast my cares upon Him, for He cares for me." And when I become so anxious or worried about something so little and non-detrimental in the eyes of God, He wants me- without an appointment- to "Be anxious in nothing, but with everything by prayer and supplications, let my requests be made known to God, and His peace, which surpasses all comprehension will guard my heart and mind through Christ Jesus." The crazy part is that... All of these scriptures I knew! All of these things I knew! It just goes to show that God's word is so encouraging and can consistently remind me of the right way!

Feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Ever have one of those days where bad news upon bad news along with the bad news from the week prior pile up on you all at once?

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. "(2 Cor. 4:8-9)

I know Satan always uses that "pile on" effect where he takes all the bad news he could possibly throw at your face and piles it on you when you feel a little weak or vulnerable. I had to remind myself that I don't need to be in despair. I don't have to have all the answers to all my questions. I don't have to understand why certain things happen the way they do. All I have to do is trust in Christ. When people I love fall away and make stupid decisions, when things happen that don't make any sense to me, when I feel alone in my walk with Christ- I am so thankful and glad to say that I can still rest in the peace and love of God. I don't have to be in despair because God never takes a vacation from being my helper and my comforter and my guide. Even when all else fails me, Christ stays the same. When I look at all problems in my life, whether it be my personal walk with Christ, or of those who I love around me, or even ones that unfairly-directly affect me, I have to be honest... I feel like crap. Sometimes I almost feel hopeless because I don't know all the answers to all these problems. Things start happening that I never dream would happen and I try my hardest to understand why- and I have no answers. And when I stare at the problems, I get so sad and almost depressed.

Lead me by your truth and teach me,for you are the God who saves me.All day long I put my hope in you. -Psalms 25:5

5 Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him
For the help of His countenance.

6 O my God, my soul is cast down within me;
Therefore I will remember You from the land of the Jordan -Psalms 42:4-6

5 Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will not be shaken.- Psalms 62:5-6

My hope is in Christ! When the world fails me, when my closest loved ones fail me, when I don't have all the answers, when the secure things in my life start to fade and crumble, Christ is still my rock and my salvation! Christ is still my stronghold. And what I found so much comfort in, was that Christ is always and will always be MY HOPE. I need to hope in God. Though I feel down and sad, my soul will praise Him! Because when all else changes, He is the same!

Thank you Jesus =))))

Day 2 in NYC!

Monday was just wayyyyyy too interesting/fun/tiring.. So I have to blog about it.

After we woke up and ate breakfast and got changed and what not... We met up with Elmer on Jamaica Avenue. Jamel warned me that I would be stared at.... Considering that I was basically the only white person on the whole entire bus. Dude! Some people have complexes okay? I got on the bus, sat down, and felt extremely awkward. I didn't think it was awkward because I was the only white person there, I felt awkward because everyone on the bus was staring at me because I was the only white person there. Whats so freaking interesting about my skin color? Okay, yes! I am white. Actually... I am probably more whiter than most people. I have to say, I was a bit freaked out while on the bus ride. It really wasn't all that bad, I delt with it... But there was this elderly black woman who had to have been seriously out of her mind. She kept mumbling and ranting about something that she was apparently really upset about... But it was like she was talking to someone else, only no one else was listening. I kinda questioned her sanity, but then I figured that out of all these people in this city, she wasn't as crazy as some. Anyways... We made it to Jamaica Avenue.

I thought the bus ride was bad, imagine walking around a huge NYC avenue/section/area thing and being the ONLY white person there. If all of them were nice and respectable people then I wouldn't really have a problem.. Because I don't have anything against people for their race. But half of them looked like drug dealers, theives, and thugs. Actually... Jamel walked in front of me while Elmer walked behind me just to protect me. Thats a little freaky! Imagine that.. I should have known Jamaica Avenue would be dangerous. You are probably wondering why we were on Jamaica avenue... And even if you weren't- thats ok! Lol. Jamel always talks up Nyc for the cheap prices on clothing.. But you have to go to certain areas. Jamaica was one of those areas. But I didn't really wanna stay there for long so we headed to downtown Manhattan and looked around for awhile. I bought a couple things, even a purse in Chinatown which is really cute by the way... By the time we made it to Chinatown it was already 8 pm- which is crazy. Time really flies when your in the city. Anyways.. It was funnnnn!! Tomorrow the Bronx! I think I'm starting to enjoy the city. Don't worry, I have no plans of living here. I love my Church and I love my people, and I love my quiet little college town! Later C:

Clinging, Keeping, Finishing- Kaiti.

An update

Saturday I spent the evening with some people that I love and we hung out downtown at Arts Fest. It was fun, even though by the time we found a parking space and walked around, all the boutiques were closing up. Walking around, drinking 6$ lemonade that wasn't even worth 6$ that I didn't pay for (=D) and sharing a root beer snow cone with Bev all while carrying a squirmy little red haired being on my back made the whole evening worthwhile.. And those are just a few fun things to name. So currently I am in Queens at Jamel's parents house and I'm staying here till Wednesday morning. Sunday was fun! We drove up to Nyc for the morning service, which was awesome. I wish I was more awake and attentive than I had been though because I found out at the last minute the night before that I could stay here till wednesday so I had to pack. Jamel and his family were supposed to get back from their cruise today, but their cruise let them off the boat an hour and a half late, which caused them to miss their flight to Atlanta, Ga. so they were on standby. Actually, everything available was pushed back or delayed... So while they were trying to find a way back home, Elmer and I were chatting up a storm about things pertaining to godliness... And partaking in none other than my two most favorite liquid/solids on this planet (Chicken and Dr.Pepper) Jamel and his sis were the only ones that were willing to pay 65$ to take a business flight back to Nyc, and we picked them up at the airport around 8 pm, after waiting for almost an hour and a half... Just to locate them. Tomorrow we're heading to the Bronx where Jamels gonna show me the cheap ghetto wear that apparently costs only a couple dollars... And Tuesday we're going to another service at TSC. Yay! I'm excited. I hope none of you all worried when I wasn't at church, i was still in church, just one 4 hours away! See some of yall on Wednesday.

Thank you to those who gave me some encouragement within the past couple days. Christ is all I need and all thats worth living for.

Clinging to Christ, Keeping the faith, Finishing the race!
- Kaitlin.

A prayer need.

Please pray for me. I'm having really hard time and I really need God's comfort. I'm really sad and really confused. I just feel so lost and really wishing Jesus would come soon. Any word of encouragement would be really really really appreciated.

kaitlin.

"Walk out..."

Last night a couple friends and I went to see the movie Hancock. Lets just say, I was deeply convicted. It was weird though. I'm so thankful- because God's been showing me what I haven't been doing that is keeping me from walking more closely with Him. I haven't been walking away. Of course the conviction didn't feel too hot, but I'm still so encouraged that God hasn't given up on me. I know He won't, but every time He changes me, although it doesn't feel great in the process, He's making me more lovely in His sight, more pleasing, more holy, just like Him.

Anyways, while I was walking out of the theater I was somewhat disgusted. I was upset at myself because I didn't walk out. I kept asking myself, why did I not walk out? Why did I just sit there and listen to the filthy language and see the immodesty and not separate myself from that which is unclean? And my friend, thats just the very small part of the conviction... The biggest part was the response I got from God. He told me that it was simply because I was so accustomed to following my brothers and sisters in Christ, that I shrugged off His voice telling me to leave. Somehow, I had become used to following the lead of my Christian peers that I didn't allow the voice of God to dictate my decisions. "Separate yourself. This is not pleasing in My sight."

soooo! Lesson learned: Listen to the voice of God, even when your Christian friends don't. Also, be wise when you choose to watch a movie. Check out the ratings and read reviews and if your not sure.... Just DON'T GO.

What a wonderful thing the conviction of God is... C:

Christ First!

I have been so encouraged in the past two weeks than i think I have been in the previous 3 months. On multiple days this week I got to talk to some of my lovelies about things I sometimes believe... I only struggle with. God's been showing me alot about how I tend to allow other peoples convictions dictate my life. Sometimes I get so caught up in following my godly examples that I end up following them, instead of ultimately following Christ. I was reminded and encouraged to know that the convictions of others do not always have to line up with my convictions, and I'm not any less spiritual or committing sin because I do not feel convicted about certain particular things that other people do. I forget sometimes that God works and moves through people and gives them convictions according to their strengths and weaknesses, and of course, on the other hand.. Because God has shown them more of His holiness that He has not yet shown me. All I know is that now I won't follow others convictions in my life until God shows me if something is truly wrong in His sight. (sidenote; this does not apply to clearly marked rights and wrongs in the word of God)

God's also shown me that I worry so much about things without praying them through first. Now to every worry of mine i'll ask myself.... Have i prayed? Have I sought God's face?

I need to walk in His presence so that I am not dictated and ruled by my flesh. I shouldn't have to worry about all the unanswered questions and wonders of my life because God is faithful to lead me and to guide me if i only trust in Him. He'll show me what is right in His sight. If I don't hear Him say yes, I won't do it. If I hear Him say no... I go no where near it. But first and foremost, in all of my decisions, I must consult to Christ FIRST. I must follow Christ FIRST. I must spill my guts out to Christ FIRST. I must trust Christ FIRST. FIRST FIRST FIRST.

Christ first seems to be the theme of this blog. I know its late, but I had to spill this out in my blog because I always seem to type faster than I write, and I desperately need sleep and I need to get this into words so that I do not forget what Christ has shown me. i hope you all are blessed,

Raven-haired girl...

<3

Untitled

I’ve been down the road of painful decisions

I’ve been the girl with no common sense

I’ve failed to use the knowledge I’m given

But now I’m thankful that ‘I’ve been”s past tense

I’ve carried the burden of losing perfection

I’ve thrown around my God-given grace

I’ve watered down the truth of the gospel

I’ve made the name of Christ a disgrace

I’ve felt the pains from a broken heart

I’ve been guilty of having a fickle mind

I’ve been torn in two, and made the wrong choice

But in my defense, I was blind

Sin is common, love is rare

Grace is unfailing, my will is my decision

The moment my will lined up with the Father

The clearest thing was my 20/20 vision

I feel as though I’m looking through

The eyes of God, upon the world

My heart hurts in whole new ways

The heart of God has given me grace

Down the road of trial and error

I know my heart is safe in His hands

Because it belongs to Christ, my father

He has given me a reason to dance

Hallelujah, God is good.

His quiet waters are my delight

Now in every one of these dark places

Shines His everlasting light

When and how, where and why

The title to this blog pertains to dating and what my calling is.
This blog is a little personal, but i only put it up here because I honestly want a godly perspective and know those who read this can understand my heart. If you have any imput at all, please please share. It doesn't have to be on here, it can be in person.

Here let me state that I am completely unsure of when to date, and what/where/when/how my calling will show itself.- But yet, they both demand answers from me daily.

I've made one too many mistakes in the dating area of my life- which should be nonexistent until now, but thats not the point... Now that I am walking with God and yearning to know the calling of God in my life- I am still unsure as to whether or not I should even start thinking about the dating area of my life. I know that with some other people, it just happens. But I don't want it to just happen with me, i want to hear God say yes. But, I don't hear Him say yes, or no. I'm content with being single.. But the question I face is- how do i determine when my heart is ready for a godly relationship? Also, how do I know if the other party is ready for a godly relationship?

+ Romans 12:9, 13:8-10: I cant date until i can date without having the motive of making myself feel good. Age doesn't determine your readiness for dating but your attitude(maturity) does. (compliments of cherry puff)

I am so over the stupid, shallowness of liking and wanting to be liked for the sake of feeling good. I've been through all the bone headed mistakes enough to know what the wrong motives are in starting a relationship. I'm so sick of self-centered/ flesh feeding friendships/relationships and I can honestly state that that is exactly what I do not want. Yet, I know that there are still soooo many things that I do not know

Do I seek Godly counsel?
Do I pray and make no decisions till I receive a clear answer from God?
Is it right to expect a clear answer from God?
Do I completely forget about this area of my life until I know what God is calling me to do with my life?

I know that age does not determine readiness for dating. Am I mature enough?

Onto my calling.

I'm 18! Still, I have absolutely no idea what God wants to do with my life. At YFN, I started having an eagerness to know this question. I don't want to waste God's time. I know that none of you can help me determine the answer to that question. I am excited though, because I feel strongly in my heart that God will soon reveal what He wants to do with my life, or, atleast with the months ahead of me, because I've never had such an earnestness in prayer to know the answers to this question.

Anyways, now I feel like I've made this blog way too long.. If you have any imput, it would be much appreciated.

-Kaiti.

More on YFN

The most memorable moments.....

+ Starting a trend when we sang happy birthday to bev.

+ Laughing hysterically at Hillary 30 minutes from Dallas because she was making up ridiculous songs and using random billboards as her inspiration.

+ Running up and down the field on the Campus of CFNI in their supposively "cool" weather at 90 degrees playing foshoodle my noodle with swimming floaties, while being extremely dehydrated and lethargic.

+ The talant show. While there were very talented performers singing very awesome Christian songs about Christ, some how, it is beyond me, a group of youngsters who called their selves "Savage cabbages" won with their "Are tacos good for you" and "Cappuccino" songs. I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty creative...

+ Tripping over the same stupid rock walking back and forth on campus, and looking like a total tard while doing so. Its ok! I made a joke out of it.

+ Randomly bursting into song while beat boxing and having some random people who I don't know give me a high five because they think I'm awesome for singing about something as random as it was...

+ Running to the cafe with my lovelys 10 minutes before curfew time to wait in a really long line to get frappuccinos and run the whole way back, being 5 minutes late... AND not getting our tags taken away. Yeah!

+ Thinking beverly got raptured because she was no where to be found.

+ Random people screaming "OCHO!!" at the top of their lungs only to have a symphony of 10 t0 20 0thers doing the same. (It was a floor thing... Apparently the guys were on floor eight in the hotel.)

+ Meeting really cool people named Julian, Josh, and Zach. (to name a few...)

+ Fitting nearly 20 girls in one elevator and introducing myself because of the weirdness of being in such close courters with people who I don't know.

+ Having someone hug me because I was from Pennsylvania. (Almost everyone there was from the mid-west or the south)

+ Talking till 3 in the morning with Mrs.Waite about things pertaining to godliness (it was profitable!) only t0 have to wake up... 3 and a half hours later to fruit loop saying "Oh comon! Thats not vertical, ladies..." Then, whatever i touched for the next hour I dropped. So I told everyone to not hand me anything because I was gonna drop it.

+ Throughly rapping the song "Cry no More" by Cross movement, just because.

+ Screaming "floor nine!!!" as I get on my floor in the hotel, and having all the girls scream back, regardless of whether or not they knew me...

+ The youth group gathering after the evening session in a dark parking lot corner around 10 30 at night, sharing what God showed/did/revealed to us. This has to be my favorite part.

+ Feeling the strong presence of God during worship, dancing and jumping like crazy to Hillsongs "take it all" song. I loveeeeeddd worship! It was so amazing.

+ Witnessing over 30 people give their lives to Christ, and over 50 people getting baptized in the Holy spirit with speaking in tongues. What a powerful nighttttttt.

+ Kels and I flipping our hair so Abbie and Liz could get "action" shots on their cameras on the way to Texas. Hey! We had 22 hours to entertain ourselves.

Check back for updates because i'm definitely not done! =)

A little bite of what God did in me at YFN

So we got back from Texas late saturday night and I have never!! Been so glad to sleep in my bed for once.

I don't even know where to begin. YFN was a blast- for sure. Naomi was really right when she said that you only get something out of it if you put something into it. On our way down to Texas, we spent the night in Missouri (which is beautiful by the way...) and I remembering asking God for only one thing in my life. I never knew that God would do that in my and beyond. I asked Him what it would take to have His presence with me everywhere i go. I know that might sound confusing to alot of people. Alot of Christians say that they follow God because they read their bibles, pray, and set time aside for God in their lives... I just was really desperate for feeling God's presence in my life on a consistent basis. I even remembered a time when it was that way, and I've missed it since then. I've wondered what I had allowed to get in the way, or whatever it was that was keeping me from that kind of relationship with God.

It really is sweet communion to walk with God in his presence 24-7.

While at YFN, God showed me alot of things about myself and alot of things in my heart that I wasn't aware of. I'll name a few...

We had a purity session. The girls and guys split apart (there were about a thousand 400 of us total) and the girl leaders talked to the girls and the guys to the guys. I could go on and explain to whole sermon, but id write like a book. I've made alot of mistakes in the purity area of my life. Some, so sad to say... when I was a self-proclaiming Christian. I repented and made things right with God since then, but I carried around the secret of what I had done for awhile, and it was dragging me down. I don't even know how to explain the amount of guilt I held. I didn't feel like i could tell anyone, even my closest friends. That killed me. It made me feel so alone in my walk with God because I was so afraid to tell one of my friends in Christ where my struggles lied so that I could be accountable to them. I was almost afraid of disappointing them, when I should have known that the love of Christ would make a child of God greatful that the sin I was in didn't keep me from continuing in my walk with God. But what I didn't realize, which God showed me this past week, was that even though Christ had forgiven me... I hadn't forgiven myself. I held on to such a human view of love. It was hard for me to understand that my mistake was erased from God's memory, and it was covered by the blood of Jesus. Its so hard to comprehend that the love of Christ is unconditional. I felt so undeserving of that. Anyways, at the end they had an alter call. I went up, (which took alot of sacrificing of pride, might i add...) and poured my heart out to God. I told Him i felt like I had no worth, that I wasn't worthy of being called His child, and that I wish i could take it all back, if I could have his presence in my life again. One of the leaders walked up to me and told me about the power of confession. So I basically spilled my guts out to someone who i never knew about what I had done, and how i felt like i had nothing to offer God or my future husband (which is such an extremely horrible feeling to have..). It felt like a pile of bricks were taken off my shoulder and my heart felt 50 pounds lighter. In a weird way, it was alot easier to breathe. The power of confessing sin out loud is amazing. It was really humbling. Why do i need to hide a mistake that is no longer recorded in heaven? If I have made things right with my savior, why had I been keeping that testimony a secret? Yes, I sinned. But I'm forgiven!!! By a holy God!!! I was so wrapped up in understanding the severity of God that I allowed satan to condemn me for it. God is severe in his discipline, but He is also kind. Again, I was reminded that God still loves and longs to be close with me. He is in love with me, his creation and wants me to be in love with Him

Theres so much joy that comes from having the understanding that God longs to walk closely with me as well.

First Post!

Hi! I thought i'd give in to peer pressure and create a Blogger, only because my peeps are on here as well, and not on my other one =(. Oh well. For those who have read my previous blog on Live Journal, I am transferring to this one due to the fact that most of my people are here.

Since I wrote a massive blog on my other one, ill post it here.

Kaiti